


Radar

by Laika_the_wife, Tuii



Series: Reflections [10]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Eskild Is Very Pissed, Eskild is the Mom Friend, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Other, POV Isak Valtersen, Reunions, Texting, You heard me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 04:04:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13333107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_wife, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuii/pseuds/Tuii
Summary: Eskild was making sense. They didn’t even know how far Even had to travel to get here. But sense and Isak and his fears and hopes didn’t really fit into same space at once. He stood up, again, third time in as many minutes, and walked to the window to look down on the street. Still no sight of Even.“Why don’t you just stay there?”“Because that’d be pathetic”, Isak muttered and stepped back.





	Radar

**Author's Note:**

> Written by Laika, Tuii's wife. Who will now hopefully get out of the doghouse.

Isak was a nervous wreck. Thoughts and emotions bounced around his head and heart like a whirlwind of fear, love and loathing. He  _ knew _ that he could not get back together with Even, he was pretty sure that he didn’t want to, either, but. There was the but, one of all buts: but Isak  _ loved _ him. In movies that would’ve been enough. In real life, not so much. Eskild had asked him to make a list of things that made it impossible for him to be with Even, and the list was starting to look pretty long.

Eskild was leaning against the kitchen counter and playing with his phone, frantically. Messages, back and forth, rapid fire. Isak just assumed it was about work. Eskild wasn’t irreplaceable but still rather important, and the kids he helped knew they could DM him anytime, about anything. By the look on his face it was something dark, but most of the times with those kids it was. Safe houses were there for a reason.

Isak sighed and looked at the back of the envelope that now mapped his future. There was so much. So many things, small things when thought about on their own, but now that Isak saw them all together at the same time they were an army of shit and suck. He could not live with all of them.

Eskild had been very vocal about the list needing to be about things Isak himself could not change. About Even and his behaviour, or about the things that just seemed to happen when they were together. In his mind Isak had written another list, one that listed all of his own shortcomings in their relationship. That was a rather long one as well.

“Isak”, Eskild said. “There’s something I’d like to show you.”

Isak looked up. Eskild looked less pissed and more sad. Defeated, in a way, and that was something Isak did not see often. Eskild was a fucking well of faith and confidence, and this dry spell was a bit scary.

“What is it?” Isak asked bravely.

“First you must promise me that you’ll take a look. I think it’s important. You do trust me, right?”

“At the moment less and less. Shit, you’re scaring me.”

Eskild sighed. It was a very specific sigh, reserved for teenagers who were acting out and Isaks who were being difficult.

“I’ve come to understand that you know I would not willingly and knowingly harm you. I’ve been talking with Tom and I think you should read these messages before seeing Even.”

Isak winced.

“Fucking no.”

Eskild placed his phone on the table in front of Isak.

“Please. I really think you need to see this.”

Isak looked down at the screen. Messages, between Eskild and Tom. Isak didn’t want to read them but he knew Eskild wouldn’t budge. He looked at the list on the envelope. He looked at the list inside his head. He looked at the drawer where they kept the knives.

Isak grabbed the phone, leaned back and started scrolling. Eskild had positioned the thread for him so he could read the message from the previous night first. Isak took a little peak at earlier and after seeing the walls of text of Eskild yelling at Tom he decided that he had an ally and that he could do this.

He started scrolling down.

 

E:  
I WEILL FUCKING KILL U

E:  
WTF I THOUGHT U WERE A GOOD GUY

E:  
WHO THE FUCK MAKES PEOPLE DO THAT

T:  
Did Isak see him?

E:  
DUDE WHAT YES

T:  
Did Even tell him?

E:  
I CONSIDERED LOCKING HIM INTO MY ROOM

E:  
WITH FUCKING MITTENS TAPED ON HIS HANDS

E:  
JESUS TOM

T:  
Did. Even. Tell. Him?

E:  
YEs

T:  
Did they talk?

E:  
Y R U ASKING I’M NOT DONE WITH SCREAMING AT U YET

T:  
I don’t have to explain myself to you.

E:  
U FUCKING BETTER

T:  
Just tell me did Isak talk with Even or not

E:  
Y

T:  
Is that a yes or a why? Seriously, Eskild, you need to learn to text like adults.

E:  
F U

T:  
I told him about Isak so that they would fucking talk. Isak needs to talk to him. Did he?

E:  
As if u care abt Isak

T:  
I fucking love him asshole

E:  
U BROKE HIM

T:  
He was already broken.

T:  
He still is.

T:  
And he needs to talk to Even. Can you make that happen somehow? You can use my credit card for another session.

E:  
U don’t have the right to pretend u did nothing wrong. ENJOY???? EVENS BRUISES????

T:  
I had every reason to be pissed and you know it.

T:  
I’m not proud of what I did.

E:  
Even said u were hard

T:  
Well, have you _seen_ him?

E:  
EW stop ew hes my friend and WTF IS WRONG WITH U

T:  
I like to pay to see whores do bad things. I’m not forcing anyone and I always pay in full.

E:  
U cheated on Isak with his ex!!!!

T:  
I didn’t know that!

T:  
Plus it’s not cheating, it’s just jerking off.

T:  
It’s not like I had anything real with them, they’re just for fun.

E:  
NEVER TXT ME AGAIN I MEAN IT

Contact blocked

 

Isak put the phone down. His brain was buzzing.

“Why did you block him? I thought you didn’t want to lose a friend over me.”

Eskild sighed.

“I don’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t think camboys are real people.”

Isak wanted to say something to defend Tom. He had been really, really shitty to him and he had not forced anyone into anything..Even’s profile says that anything goes. But at the same time Isak knew he was just making excuses. Tom had told Eskild he loved him. And that he was broken. Isak believed both of those things to be true.

“He really wanted me to talk to Even.”

“And that’s what I wanted you to see. Tom is an asshole and an idiot but he doesn’t hate you and you need to know that.”

Isak was so ashamed and embarrassed but he really would have liked it if Tom was there and held him in his strong arms. He didn’t know where he’d stopped if he could’ve turned back time. Did that make him a bad person?

Most of the things he pulled did.

“I miss him”, Isak sniffled into his sleeve.

“Oh Issy. Of course you do. He’s been good to you..hasn’t he? Did he hurt you?” Eskild’s rage started to build up again. His face grew dark and grim.

“No! Never! Not even if I asked..well, I didn’t  _ ask _ ask but really tried to lead him on and nothing.”

Tempest Eskild calmed down. For now, at least.

“Seriously, that fucking..I knew he was loyal as hell to his own but I had no idea he thought that little of others.”

Isak pulled his legs against himself. He rested his heels on the edge of the chair and picked on some threads hanging from his jeans. He felt small and fragile and fucking useless.

“I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt but me.”

“I know, Issy. But that’s still one person too many. Why do you want to hurt yourself?”

There it was. The question Isak had dreaded. At the same time it was a question that should not exists because it was so pointless, the answer was so  _ obvious _ , and at the same time it was a question he could not really answer.

“Because I deserve it. It’s the only time I make any sense. When being me makes sense.”

“I thought you’d been better. Didn’t the therapy help you?”

Isak shook his head.

“It did. I stopped going, I was better and then. Then all this with Even happened and. I was so horrible. I needed to make up for it.”

“So you started to hurt yourself again?”

Isak nodded. He couldn’t look at Eskild. He didn’t want to talk to Eskild but something about his presence made it seem like the only option.

“How often do you self harm?” Eskild’s voice was calm and respectful. He was good at his job even off duty.

“I don’t know”, Isak mumbled.

“More than every week?”

Isak nodded.

“Every day?”

“Many times.” Fuck. It was so pathetic. He was a grown ass man and he made himself hurt because he couldn’t live with himself. Useless.

“What do you do?” Eskild didn’t sound shocked at all. Or judgemental. He was just asking. That made it somewhat easier to answer, but it still wasn’t easy.

“Anything that doesn’t leave marks. Hot water. Cold water. Beating, twisting, squeezing, pulling.” Isak brushed at his wounded ankle with his fingertips. “When I called you I tried a knife for the first time. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing.”

“I hope you understand that that needs to stop immediately.”

Isak’s eyes filled with tears. He pressed his forehead on his knees. Eskild sounded so fucking  _ kind _ that he couldn’t take it.

“I don’t know if I can”, he admitted, in a whisper.

“If you can’t, then you must”, Eskild stated. “As you know, mittens are on the table.”

That pulled a short giggle out of Isak. Yes, he could imagine Eskild taping mittens on him by force.

“Issy, I’m serious.”

When Isak looked up at Eskild he knew that he meant what he was saying.

“I’ll try. I’ll really, really try but I have tried and failed before.”

“If you feel you need to hurt yourself, I want you to text me the reason why that’s necessary. I will not grant or deny you permission, but I want to know. How does that sound?”

Isak shook his head, horrified. No. He could not. He would not.

“I’m sorry. I know what you’re trying to do but I can’t, I just can’t.”

He wanted to pick the scab on his ankle again. He wanted to dig his fingernails into the wound and twist. But he couldn’t, with Eskild watching him from the other side of the table.

“Alright then. I’m putting you under the Watch. I’m sorry.”

Tom was right, Isak thought, bitterly. He really had become Even. And now that he knew what it was like he hated himself even more. But he didn’t resist Eskild’s orders. He was scared that Eskild wouldn’t let him meet Even if he resisted. He was scared that Eskild was having second thoughts about it right now.

“You’re really nervous about meeting Even, aren’t you?”

Isak nodded. He was.

“I’m fucking terrified. And most of all I’m scared that he won’t come.”

Isak blushed. He was ashamed to admit that it was actually very likely that Even would just not show up. He was ashamed to admit how he would react to it, even though he knew it would happen.

“I think he will. If he won’t, I’ll find him and drag him by force. I know where he works - for now.”

Isak sighed. Though Eskild’s certainty did bring him some comfort, it also upped the stakes. Now Even bailing out would mean two broken hearts, not just one, and for some reason Isak felt responsible for Even’s bullshit. After all this time. Isak grabbed a pen and added that to the list Eskild made a brave effort not to read.

“You know what”, Eskild said. “I’m feeling like a milkshake. How about you?”

A milkshake. Isak shrugged, confused.

“Uhhhh..sure?”

“Get busy, then. Two milkshakes, go. Everything is still at the same places as always.”

Eskild leaned back on his chairs and gave Isak an expectant look. Isak rolled his eyes and groaned.

“You tricked me, you lazy bastard.”

Eskild winked, crossing his arms behind his neck. Isak huffed but put his legs down and stood up.

By the time the milkshakes were done and the kitchen counter was in a state of utter mess, Isak had completely forgotten that he was supposed to hurt himself. As he rinsed the mixer he didn’t even notice its sharp blades. He didn’t shove his hand in it, he didn’t use too hot water to “accidentally” scald himself. He just cleaned up and then sat down to enjoy his milkshake with his friend and it was really fucking nice.

 

Isak glanced at the clock.

“He’s not coming.”

“Oh, shush you”, Eskild said. “Of course he is.”

“It’s ten thirty.” Isak was sure. Even was not coming. He was a fucking idiot who got his hopes up for no reason and then crashed down, and the steepness of the fall was his own doing.

“Isak, he finished working at ten. And with his bruises I don’t think he moves too swiftly.”

Yes. Eskild was making sense. They didn’t even know how far Even had to travel to get here. But sense and Isak and his fears and hopes didn’t really fit into same space at once. He stood up, again, third time in as many minutes, and walked to the window to look down on the street. Still no sight of Even.

“Why don’t you just stay there?”

“Because that’d be pathetic”, Isak muttered and stepped back. “What if he saw me?”

“I thought that was kind of the point of this meeting.”

Isak took a pillow from the couch and threw it at Eskild. As it hit his head it made a ring.

“Fuck!” Isak whispered, wide eyed. Someone was at the door.

“I’ll get it”, Eskild said and went to open the door. Isak didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t have time to make up his mind before the door opened and he saw Even. There he was, hood on his head, his hip popped  _ just so _ and Isak melted into a puddle on the floor. He sat down because he had to.

“Hey”, Even said sheepishly to Eskild. “Thanks for your messages.”

Eskild wrapped his arms around Even and hugged him tight. Isak could see over Eskild’s shoulder that it hurt Even but neither of them said anything.

“Get in here you fool”, Eskild said and pulled Even inside before closing the door.

Isak fingered his sleeve and stared openly at Even. He was gorgeous. Thank heavens Eskild was here to keep them at bay, Isak thought as Even entered the living room and looked into his eyes. It was still there. The pull. The force between them.

“Hey”, Isak whispered.

“Hey,” Even replied and sat down on the other couch. He hid his pain well.

The spell was broken by a loud ringing. It was Eskild’s phone, and because it ringed instead of blasting out Britney it was from work. At this hour it was an emergency. Eskild answered it and listened increasingly worried, then said he’d be there right away.

“I must go”, Eskild said, trying frantically to find a matching pair of shoes. “It can take all night. Please, for the love of god, if you do fuck then at least talk afterwards. Even, don’t let Isak hurt himself. Isak, don’t let Even leave until I get back. Understood?”

They both nodded. Then the door slammed shut and Eskild was gone.

They looked at eachother. They were very, very quiet for a long time.

Isak had no idea which one of them got up first.


End file.
